I felt you..

I always searched for you but never got you. I used to look for you in every single moment, single thing of my life but all in vain as I always got disappointed. Time passed, I went through many changes but nothing worked out. Then, I became sad. Sadness became an all time companion of me. Where ever I go, sadness followed me. Then I found you in some people, I made them my life, my mood swings started depending on them.

But, as soon as they realized it, they felt relaxed because they got a loyal toy to play, within me. With time I found it the most foolish thing anybody can do. But it was not in my hand, as my heart found happiness in others and not in me, so he chose them over me. I kept on remaining low day by day. Finally one day, I broke down and oh stupid I, as i took their shoulders only to lean on, to lighten me. They again won as it became clear to them that I will always be their puppet.  

With time, I started keeping myself busy, so that I don’t get even a single second to think about my heart, my emotions, my expectations. It was then that I stopped looking for happiness in anything. I started bending towards spirituality. I devoted myself to my God, his activities, meditation.

And now what, I started feeling something nice when I see people so much dedicated towards their goals, caring for their loved ones, a mother with her little daughter in the temple folding hands to bless them in front of God, I felt satisfaction in God’s world, in the words written for him.

It is the time, when I have sidelined my idea of looking for happiness in the fulfillment of my expectations, in fact I have found it (happiness) just there, where I get to see truth, true love between love birds, adorable creatures named dogs, a loving mother, caring father, supportive siblings, and everything in which I see God’s message of his presence.

So, now I can say ‘I FELT YOU’ happiness, I felt you just when I saw you in others.

Hug me Happiness..

Longing for a true smile on my face, I am tired now. Tired of trying my best to feel satisfied, happy, contend. What is it, that is missing? Keeping myself busy the day long is a way, I usually adopt to avoid the feelings, any 'kinda' feelings in me. I want to become a machine, who works all day long to help others and is feeling less, non-living thing. I tried different ways to pull myself out of feeling sad but nothing works out.

I have heard many a times that, it have to be me to decide to be happy and then one day I will be.  I wanted to agree to this but alas it is not my cup of tea. I wanted to be on the colourful cheerful boat with those people who somehow manage to stay happy, loves life, feels good, but it is a concept that doesn’t work with me, due to which I always remain at the shoreline and let boat of happiness go on without me.

Attachment Kills..!!

 

The people you love the most can be the ones to whom you give the full and free right to crush you under their feet anytime. You love them to that extent that they starts taking you for granted. You spend most of your time thinking about them, praising them, talking about them but you may never know that for the same people you might be just a toy to play with, in their free time.

Often in life, to the ones who love you, you avoid them and the ones who avoid you, find you irritating, boring, you love them like anything. Many a times, we even keep over self respect at stake just to stay in touch with these loved ones. We often forget that we too have a ‘Self Respect’. We might be having a lot of attitude, practical thinking in life but in front of these loved ones we act as a kid, in a childish way and often told to ‘GROW UP’.

These loved ones to whom we give a place nobody can take in our life, according to us, are our priorities but when we tell them, that we care for them, they say, we never told you to love us, to care for us. To this, we think, Are we fool who cares so very much for them? No doubt they also care for us but their care wakes up when they are free, when they don’t find anything to do.

I wish, we never get attach to anybody, as attachment hurts like hell.

Last Experience said, “Attitude matters”

I always live my life my way and follow my beliefs. I know somewhere in my heart that I have the ability to do whatever I want in my life. I am a hard worker but then I also know that there is no fun of hardwork if I don’t have trust on me. If I always see the darker side. I am a high school student who struggled from one office to another in search to get the stamp of their brand in my Resume and to gain more and experience.

My continuous trials do gave me an opportunity to avail a job in a newspaper but then from the very first day of me at job I kept on thinking, how come I got a job, is it me who has really got one, why not others got this job, maybe I will loose this job, my thinking was full of negativity from the very first day of my joining, no doubt everything was finalized at job. But then, whosoever says “Attitude matter” is not wrong.

As at this point of my life when I have worked for days in an organization, spend full day doing shifts in office and suddenly I came to know that the boss is creating some problem in my job. Blah, blah and blah, and I came to know that my job is at stake as boss has changed. And then, that is what my continuous negative thinking did, Kavya you have to wait for some days until the matter gets sort out. And I felt so embarrassed, as I was given surety of job joining by my boss last week and so I did my job news open to my near dear ones, to my dean and many other people. So, now there was no land under my feet as it was not my fault, it was authorities fault.

My only fault was the continuous ‘NEGATIVE THINKING’ which brought my thoughts into reality and told me, look kavya, here is what you always thought of from last few days. This incident made me realize that ‘ATTITUDE MATTERS’ it really do. If I would have thought positive only, then the situation might have been different. But now I have lost enough to learn that attitude matters.

No one can do it for me but I..

Only I can tackle my sadness, only I can decide that enough is enough, it is high time, only I can see that I am only surviving rather than enjoying, truly living. All my dear ones, friends might say me to look at the bright side but I know, I try my best to see the same but i don’t see one. 

Whenever I get into such circumstances I try really hard but I fails in pushing my mind to see the bright sight. To overcome the mild feeling of sadness I generally starts reading positive inspirational quotes, stories and that do work but unfortunately only for that span of time when I have this positive stuff in front of me. While reading this, I feel like now, I will behave in this way, now I will do this, do that but this positive spark always fades within a few hours.

I know how can I overcome this. In fact, I try my best not to get caught up in a never-ending cycle of the symptoms, spoiling my mood, sadness. But, by bringing up the negative feelings over and over again in me, I become sad. 

It is not easy, but I do my best in focusing on the positive things in my life but all in vain as they don’t last long. It is crystal clear to me that, it will be challenging at first for me to overcome negativity as I myself by seeing the negative side, have made my mind used to looking at all that is wrong and now it won’t want to find positive aspects of my life easily. As it is rightly said, “The pessimistic, negative thinking is dominant.”

At present, the need of the hour for me is to practice POSITIVE THINKING as often as I can. In this way only I can start looking at the brighter side, otherwise I myself will become the obstacle in the path of my happiness. 

So, my heart, you know what, I can be Happy, one day i will be HAPPY :)